IRB Media

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book. Book Preview: 

#1 I live for a glamorous lifestyle blog featuring some gorgeous ingenue with piles of secret wealth that she never divulges to the unsuspecting slobs on the other side of the screen. I want to admire her floating through a bright and clean apartment in photos so beautiful and overexposed that it hurts your eyes to look at them.

#2 I wake up with a heart-pounding panic, and I immediately waste an entire day. I grimace as I slide off the bed and feel around blindly with my toes for the orthopedic flip-flops I keep close enough to find without my glasses on.

#3 I start my day with a few slices of Meyer lemon from those little bags of them you can get at Trader Joe’s. It has done nothing for me, but later on, when I eat an entire jalapeño-and-pepperoni pizza and feel bad about it, I can think to myself, Bitch, remember when you alkalized. and feel clean.

#4 My evening routine is simple. I eat dinner with my wife, drink one glass of wine, and eat a single square of 70 percent dark chocolate while watching a chic foreign film on our white couch. I then put the news on our bedroom television set and worry about the state of the world.

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