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The Times

Each week Giles Coren finds himself with no idea what to write about in his weekly column. Having read all the papers and found nothing of interest whatsoever, he takes a break and does the school run. That’s where his wife and fellow journalist Esther Walker comes in. Upon his return, Esther has half a dozen ideas she’s spotted ready to knock around with him over the kitchen table and a much needed pot of coffee.

You can read Giles in The Times here; https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here; https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

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Giles Coren Has No Idea

As described in the title - a fun festive quiz.

We hope you enjoy it. If you do, please share.

Merry Christmas, see you in the New Year.

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The Corens' Second Christmas Quiz

After a busy but very enjoyable Christmas Giles and Esther return to ponder some of the talking points of the week.

What is a work life balance and how does one get one? How do you wire a plug – why not ask one of Giles many deceased relatives. Is post war rationing the root cause of child obesity? 

Finally, how to play Fagin without bowing to stereotype and… stop climbing Everest! 

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"I'm going to stand here till you get fat!"

Lots of laughs in this week’s episode. As Harrow school adopts a therapy puppy, will there be a similar puppy on a bursary…? Either way don’t expect the canines to bring much happiness.

The good literary agency is closing. Were they victims of the culture war or the marketplace? Giles thinks he knows the answer.

A conversation about clever footballers brings up stereotypes but gone are the days when it is acceptable to mock the working classes, Brian. 

Giles has a brilliant business idea; three products, one audience and a lot of exclamation marks! 

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Went Woke, Went Broke!

Giles has modified his coffee intake and is ready to tackle the pressing issues of the week.

First up, say it loud say it proud – Jew! Easier said than done for some…but why is that? Could “People of Nose” be a better option?

The touchy-feely millennial generation may actually be the hardest of the lot; they’re embracing the potential return of the death penalty.

After being overheard making sexual comments Wynn Evans left the strictly live tour to “priorities my wellbeing.” Esther has little sympathy, but Giles wonders about the BBC’s casting policy – “We’d like a blokey bloke please…oh god not one like that!”

Finally, what is the secret to a good face lift? Don’t have one is Esther’s tip but is it too late for Gwyneth Paltrow and other multi-millionaires..? 

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Don't mention the Jews

This week Giles revealed that he had been diagnosed with cancer. In this week’s episode he relives the moment he found out and the responses of those around him, and his own. Is it a big deal “it’s only a dash of cancer after all?” Or are he and Esther in denial? They consider the language around cancer and wonder why Bob hasn’t been in touch…?

For some light-hearted distraction a one hundred and thirty four page document on how to speak to passengers, ye gods! How to enunciate HampSTEAD and ringing endorsements - “Buy this book it was written by a human.” 

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It's cancer but it's not a tragedy - Giles opens up about his "heartbreaking diagnosis".

Does a 10k goosestep count as a workout? How many Sieg Heils build the perfect bicep? When faced with a Neo Nazi fitness class what can one do except laugh...?

As half term approaches everyone in the world is going skiing, everyone except the Corens. Giles and Esther reiterate their disdain for ski holidays. Instead, they’ll be having a 1970’s style break; they’ll work while the kids stay at home and watch the latest season of White Lotus. The new Michelin guide is out but are the numerous new restaurants up to scratch? Perhaps more interesting is the challenge of a vegan restaurant making it onto the list.

Lastly, why are people over fifty happier post pandemic…could it be because death is a little closer?

Now, which way is Poland?

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Get Fit the Nazi Way

Parenting, President Trump and UK net zero - is it time for a reality check? 

Have the middle classes ruined parenting in the UK? Uber head Katharine Birbalsingh has spoken out on parenting methods, and it’s given Giles an idea for a book – “Parenting tips for the working class.” Do the travails of modern parenting have anything in common with the redrawing of post war alliances and UK net zero targets? Could it be that across the board things are a little too comfortable and it is time for shake up? Esther turns to the history books for the answer and espouses the benefits of upheaval and existential threat…purely from an objective standpoint. Anything is better than talking about toilets!

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Tough Talk for Gentle Parents

What better way to spend pancake day than curling up to watch “With Love, Meghan”

But what was it exactly, comedy, horror, a sad documentary? Despite wanting to like it Esther just couldn’t. Dinner and candles for imaginary guests, cooking in a cashmere jumper, dragon handlers and all in someone else’s house. Was it a case of advice not given or advice not taken?

Another day, another step closer to Armageddon as President Trump continues his unique brand of negotiation - worryingly for Giles it is a tactic he uses himself.

Debrett’s is yet to release a guide to ‘how to host President Trump’ but they do offer the very latest in how to eat Al Desko… 

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Inside the Meghan Nightmare

"What's that Lassie? You think you might have ADHD?"

Can Giles talk to the animals? Probably not, in fact research suggest none of us can. But does he have ADHD? Esther thinks he might. The prevalence of mental illness is on the rise, could TikTok be to blame? If you ask boomers, it's a case of "pull yourself together" but for Gen Z its "talking about your feelings is good". Giles and Esther take the middle ground and attempt to reconcile the two.

Could a whole life’s worth be in a desk? A recent employment tribunal has ruled it might, Giles can understand the reasoning.

Finally, they wonder if it is time to compensate their neighbours…

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Boomers vs ADHD

How well do Giles and Esther know each other? Cue a game of Mr and Mrs. What A levels did they take, what were their childhood pets called…or let’s start simple: “What is your wife’s name?” It isn’t Farah Fawcett.

Continuing the game theme Giles plays “what’s in the inflation basket this year? If tinned fish isn’t in there, it should be. If Esther can answer correctly, will she win a speed boat?

Jeremy Clarkson is back with a Grand Tour spin off…except actually he isn’t, he only appears in archive footage. Is it about time to put the whole thing out of its misery… 

Finally, a respectful salute to Group Captain John ‘Paddy’ Hemingway, who died this week. He was the last known Battle of Britain pilot. Talk of him and his life stirs up emotional memories for both Giles and Esther leading to a teary end to the show.

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Esther and Giles play 'Mr and Mrs'

Giles and Esther thumb their way through the week's papers for another column idea; from popular baby names and common mannerisms to Shakespeare on TikTok and ageing. Giles is suffering from a Victorian disease and Esther, obviously, finds that hilarious.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day. Visit thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Grant Coren Has No Idea

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