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Avalon Television

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Follow this link and get involved! - patreon.com/RussellHoward
Each week Russell sits down with fantastic guests to chat about their Brilliant Things; the items, places and people that make life worth living.

Russell Howard’s Wonderbox

I tell you what’s fun to listen to: someone who loves cake, talking passionately about cake. Griefcast’s Cariad Lloyd sits with Russell and waxes lyrical about Pavlova and wider cakes. There’s more! We get all down and dirty with the Moomins and then there’s a weird bit where Cariad and Russell start acting out passages from Labyrinth. Which music star was originally slated to play Jareth? It wasn’t Bowie… the answer lies in this terrific episode.

Cariad talked in the podcast about her book, the Christmas Wish-tastrophe, and that is available now, and if you know an 11-14 year old just get them this for Christmas. Then that one is done, another one off your list. They will read and enjoy it. 
You can get that book at your local independent bookshop, or google the name of the book and choose an independent book provider online. You can do this! Don’t just default to the monolithic behemoths!

Cariad’s regular podcast is Griefcast, where she talks to all manner of people about the various ways people deal with life when things are tough. Cariad is an absolutely incredible host and it’s a wonderful podcast, whether you yourself are struggling or not. Check it out HERE. 

In this week’s Patreon show of Five Brilliant Questions, Cariad answered some deep knowledge questions about Gondor (It’s Lord of the Rings apparently. I have no idea). She also reveals what kind of hat she would be (as always, really probing questions from you guys) and Russell has a crisis about hat-wearing in general. 

Go to: patreon.com/RussellHoward to get involved. Looking forward to seeing you there! 

And that faint glugging noise means our Bathysphere has reached the surface of the water and our underwater journey through the Great Sea of Blurb has come to an end. Let us make our soggy way into the decompression chamber and talk about all the magnificent words we saw over a lovely biscuit and a cup of tea. 

See you next week. Don’t leave your Christmas shopping until the last minute. This time of year is busy enough without having to hate yourself for being disorganised too.

Bye bye x

Producer: Dan Atkinson
Line Producer: Daisy Knight
Exec Producer: James Taylor
Composer: Fat Lady Music
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Cariad Lloyd

From a town planner, to dressing as a burger, to conquering the world of podcasts, Vogue Williams strides across this podcast like a Colossus, taking us to mad Irish Christmases in the pub, to sleeping with unfeasible numbers of pillows (6?!) to wild Podcast tour shows. 

It’s a real blast. You’ve probably heard Vogue on many podcasts so you know she’s just great to hang out with, and this is no exception. A conversation that bounces along gleefully from one Brilliant Thing to another. 

Now go and subscribe to one or all of Vogue’s podcasts:

🤭Never Live it Down with Vogue Williams
👻 My Therapist Ghosted Me
👩‍❤️‍👨 Spencer and Vogue

As ever we recorded an episode of our Patreon show ‘Five Brilliant Questions’ with Vogue, and this week it was actually useful thanks to the question ‘I’m lazy, how can I get fit with minimum effort’ and there’s an answer! A real, useful answer!

Check out our Patreon which you can find here patreon.com/RussellHoward and you can join on a basic level - for free! 

Here endeth the sermon of blurb. Thank you for attending church this week, please pop a few pennies in the collection box on the way out and do be careful of falling masonry. They stole all the lead, the blighters. 

Amen. 

Producer: Dan Atkinson
Line Producer: Daisy Knight
Exec Producer: James Taylor
Composer: Fat Lady Music
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Vogue Williams

You want rollerskating telephone operators? We got ‘em. You want arguments about how many gears a decent bike should have? It’s all here in this episode of Five Brilliant Things with Suzi Ruffell. From the rough-arse pubs of Portsmouth to the fashionable theatres of London’s West End, this lovely show touches on all corners of Suzi’s past. 

Suzi’s on tour in 2025 with her brand-new show ‘The Juggle’. It’s going all over the UK to a town or city near you in the second half of the year. Tickets and dates can all be found and acquired at suziruffell.com

Aaaaand Suzi’s latest recorded special ‘Snappy’ is out now, available to rent HERE.

Today’s Patreon episode of Five Brilliant Questions sees both Suzi and Russell get very serious about the question ’Is it ever acceptable to eat a baguette sideways?’ If you think you know the answer then please join us and get involved and settle the debate.

You can join our Patreon for free if you like, and we’d be delighted to have you on the team. Check it all out at patreon.com/RussellHoward 

And who even are you, reading this far down some show notes. But thanks for sticking with me. I hope you have a wonderful 2025. Just think, you're probably the only person in the world who's read this. And that means that it's only you who's received this well-wish. It's just for you. Because you're special.

Until next time!

Producer: Dan Atkinson
Line Producer: Daisy Knight
Exec Producer: James Taylor
Composer: Fat Lady Music
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Suzi Ruffell

Would you expect to find the Pub Landlord chowing down in a Wagamama? Neither would we but it’s exactly where he’ll be. Al Murray tells Russell why he always has the same noodles, the best place to get pissed in Ireland and a sidetrack into trained cannon musicians. 

Al Murray is a proper British treasure. If you only know him as the Pub Landlord then there’s so much more - he gives so much History, explains some fascinating background to percussion (he’s a dab hand percussionist) and is a font of knowledge that refuses to stop spewing interesting stuff all over the podcast floor. 
It was a nightmare to clean up but that’s NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

As you heard on the podcast Al makes a regular WW2 podcast ‘We Have Ways of Making you Talk’ which you can find HERE. 

If you haven’t seen Al live, then you really should. One of the best. Such a great comic. He’s just extended his current tour ‘Guv Island’. Check out the tour dates and get tickets by visiting Al’s website www.thepublandlord.com

In our Patreon Show this week, Al answers your questions, telling us which country is best at wars in history ever, he recommends the greatest drum solo ever recorded and Russell tells Al about the best/worst prank that was ever played on him. It is a cruel one. Really spicy.

Go to: patreon.com/RussellHoward to get involved. We want to see you there, it’s a lot of fun and you can join for free to start with so nothing to lose! 

I believe that’s all the housekeeping. If you’re still with me on this epic reading journey then well done. As a treat, I will tell you that I think the word ‘shoffice’ is the worst in the English Language. And I don’t mind mashing two words together at all, but everything about shoffice is ugly - it demeans two perfectly good words, and ideas, and the word, concept and everything about it is bleak. It’s not a shoffice it’s a shed with a computer in it. 
There you go. Some ‘treat’ that was.

Until next time, and remember to wrap up warm. You can’t catch a cold by going out dressed like that (it’s a virus, that’s not how colds work) but you will look like a plucked chicken. Bye bye. 

Producer: Dan Atkinson
Line Producer: Daisy Knight
Exec Producer: James Taylor
Composer: Fat Lady Music
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Al Murray

There is something wonderful about this episode. Jessie has been through a lot. She’s taken more life thrown at her than most other people could handle, yet there is still an emphatic positivity that shines through. These Five Brilliant Things have a bittersweet quality to them which makes for a tender, funny and terrific show.

Jessie talked about her novel ‘Sunset’ on the podcast, and it really is a great piece of work, highly recommended. Please either buy it from an independent bookshop, or you could get it online HERE. 

Jessie also has a podcast called ‘Whenever it Kicks’ which is about parenthood, life generally and more - give that a look HERE. 

In our Patreon show with Jessie this week, her Five Brilliant Questions did tend towards the Harry Potter, I’ll be honest. But there was none of that in the main show so it was fascinating hearing what it was like on set, what cliques there were - and then we get into the real business of Jessie and Russell discussing the finer points of filming sex scenes. 

Do I have your attention? It’s all in our Patreon which you can find here patreon.com/RussellHoward 

And now you can see the walls coming back into focus as we descend back into the real world and leave this astral plane of blurb. It’s been a wild trip and it has been a humbling experience to be your spirit guide through this. 

If you ever regain your sanity maybe we’ll see you again next week? 

Good Day to You, Enlightened One.

Producer: Dan Atkinson
Line Producer: Daisy Knight
Exec Producer: James Taylor
Composer: Fat Lady Music
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Jessie Cave

Can Russell convince Andy to go to a Water Park? And can Andy convince Russell to visit an Ancient Greek Citadel? It’s a tussle for the ages. 

This episode of Five Brilliant Things all comes from the brains of comedian and cricket statistics royalty, Andy Zaltzman. 
It is, frankly, a fiesta of culture. From obscure Ancient Greek plays to casting sculptures in bronze the depth and breadth of Andy’s magnificent brains are on full display. Oh, yes, there’s also a smattering of cricket chat. Just a smattering. About an over’s worth. 🏏

Andy is fast becoming a household name for his work on Test Match Special, but he is first and foremost an outstanding comedian with some of the most original, funny and brilliant satirical routines out there. 
His current one man show is touring theatres across the UK right now. It is called ‘The Zaltgeist’ and you can find out the dates and book the tickets by going to andyzaltzman.co.uk. 🎤

Russell’s doing some gigs in Scandinavia 🫎 and then India, Hong Kong and some even further flung places. If you’re in those places then get tickets and dates by going to russell-howard.co.uk. 

And there endeth the sermon. Hopefully your souls are all now saved, or at least not quite as filthy as when you walked into this chapel. Now go out there, love thy neighbour and all that shit. 🙏

Amen.

Producer: Dan Atkinson
Line Producer: Daisy Knight
Exec Producer: James Taylor
Composer: Fat Lady Music
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Andy Zaltzman

Etiquette expert William Hanson is with us, and he’s had enough of being asked the correct way to touch yourself under the table. Do you want to find out the correct way to do the incorrect things? It’s all in this podcast with one of the most charming, funny men in Britain. 

🌂 William goes through his Five Brilliant Things, including Mary Poppins (you won’t believe how many times he’s seen the stage show. It’s a bigger number than the one you are thinking of). There is also a very informative discussion on the practical and sartorial pros and cons of becoming a cape wearer on the regular. 🌂

📖 William’s wit and wisdom is available for you to own and refer to at your whim, in the form of paper with ink symbols printed on it. I believe you earthlings refer to these things as ‘books’.
William’s latest book is called ‘Just Good Manners’ and it is a breezy, informative and deeply fun read. 
You can either get this at your local independent bookshop, or you can go online and get it here. 📖

In the Patreon episode, things take a real turn because you heathens got us to ask William to explain the dos and don’ts of rimming. 
Yeah. Exactly. Thanks. Anyway it’s all in there. It’s fascinating, and obviously very funny. If you’re not a Patreon member this could be the week to get involved. 🍩👅

Click this link to join or find out more:
patreon.com/RussellHoward 

And that’s that. If you want to get your grubby mitts on more Brilliant Things, then you can. We’d prefer you washed them first of course, but if you like those digits dirty, then we can’t stop you. We will be back here next week with a catwalk of Brilliance for you to poke.

Goodnight my pretty.
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William Hanson

Insider tips on how to take the perfect penalty? We got ‘em. Genuinely fascinating insights from a man with a better record than many others. Troy Deeney was Watford’s talisman and striker for years, and now is on our screens as pundit with the main sports broadcasters. 

He’s got a fascinating life story to tell involving some pretty hard stories about his upbringing, a stint in prison and how he’s kept himself together through it all. 

OH, and one thing that’s worth mentioning… There’s a description of footballer’s toenails about a third of the way through. If you’re a little squeamish then give that a forward scrub. Footballers have the mankiest toenails. Yeurch. 

⚽️ Troy has setup Vision Football Factory in Tamworth – it plays an important role in the Birmingham area, providing a safe & quality space for young people to play football & build community. The website is www.visionfootballfactory.com and you can find them on Instagram at @visionfootballfactory
You can also catch Troy on various broadcast platforms covering football, and finally you could follow Troy on Instagram to see everything he’s up to - his handle is @t_deeney. ⚽️

Russell is out on the road also, with dates across the world. He’s zipping around with such ferocity that I couldn’t possibly pinpoint where on the planet he’ll be when you read this. Stay up to date at russell-howard.co.uk - which is also where you can stream Russell’s latest smash hit hour-long special. It’s not been long out and it’s bloody good. 

If you’d like to get the podcast without being interrupted by adverts, and get an extra show every week, AND get it all a day before everyone else, then you can! You can join our Patreon for less than the cost of a pint of beer a month (or maybe two pints of orange juice if you’re not a booze hound).

Click this link to join or find out more:
patreon.com/RussellHoward 

There we go. That’s this week’s missive. 

Thanks for being part of all this because really if you didn’t read this then it wouldn’t be worth writing. 

Only joking. I know there’s nobody reading this far down. 
It’s just me, alone with my thoughts, spurting out nonsense that nobody will ever see. I could say anything. I could say all the cancellable stuff. 
Obviously I won’t because I’m nothing if not a coward. I don’t really want to be up on a work tribunal explaining why I wrote awful things in a podcast notes sign-off. That’s no way to lose it all.
I’ll stick to aimless rambling in the wind. 
See you later, nobody.
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Troy Deeney

The Northern Irish Comedian is in the studio with some outstanding Brilliant Things. If you’ve never experienced Minstrels and Popcorn, if you’ve never luxuriated in the spongy floor at airport security, then this show will open your eyes and blow your mind. Or open your mind and blow your eyes.

Vittorio’s jokes and stories take a ride through is formal musical training, on a detour via traditional Irish delights (Guinness, anyone?) and there’s even a bit of fun pub quizzing at the tail end. Who doesn’t love a pub quiz?

🎤 Vittorio is massively online. If you want to find out about what he’s up to and you can’t then I just don’t think you’re trying hard enough. 
Go to his website to get all the things like tour dates, or to watch his stand-up special ‘Translations’ or to link to his very funny podcast that he makes with Mike. 
Or get into his instagram to get regular stand-up clips and nonsense. Here’s your linky-poos: 
📸Instagram 🕸️Website 📻Podcast

If you’d like to get the podcast without being interrupted by adverts, and get an extra show every week, AND get it all a day before everyone else, then you can! You can join our Patreon. It’s inexpensive and we would love to have you as part of the club.

Click this link to join or find out more:
patreon.com/RussellHoward 

Also please look out for Russell on the road. Not literally, he’s not there all flat like roadkill. 
He’s out and about - India this week would you believe?! And then all sorts of European dates then some American dates - there are shows across the entire globe. And one on the moon.
Stay up to date at russell-howard.co.uk - which is also where you can stream Russell’s latest smash hit hour-long special. It’s not been long out and it’s bloody good. 

Thanks as always for being such a fan of podcast blurbs that you’ve read all this. It’s people like you that keep us podcast note monks in quills and low-alcohol mead. 

I must go now for matins. 

Amen.
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Vittorio Angelone

Dave Gorman! The man, the legend, the maker of the most epic comedy shows of the past thirty years. 

How could you miss this? Dave is interested in everything, and makes everything interesting. The brilliance includes cryptic crosswords, it includes playing cards, and Dave tells us about the time he hosted a darts tournament where Eric Bristow was working illicitly. 🎯👮‍♂️

Dave is back on telly, with three new special shows of Modern Life is Goodish! This is indeed the best of newses. It’s on either now or very soon or just a while ago, depending on when you read this. If it’s not in the future, then you can catch up and watch here. If it’s in the future it’s on the channel Dave, which is now called ‘U&Dave’ because that’s an absolutely brilliant name for a TV channel. Just rolls off the tongue. God bless corporate mergers, they really know how to make a TV channel sound attractive. 

For any Dave Gorman fans, our Patreon episode this week is borderline unmissable: Dave goes into detail (because you asked) into how he has made his mega-shows. What goes into it, and why his have been successful and why the imitators fall away. It’s as fascinating as you might expect. 

Click this link to join or find out more:
patreon.com/RussellHoward 

Russell’s globe-trotting at the moment, taking his show to theatres from Singapore to Sweden. There’s a run of US dates coming up soon too. Find out where, when, how and all that by going to Russell-howard.co.uk . 

🧩 Finally, if you’ve listened to the podcast and you’re here because you want to find out more..if Dave whetted your whistle to have a go on cryptic crosswords, the place to start is the Guardian ‘Quiptic’ crosswords. These are like training crosswords to get you started. Highly recommended. 🧩

And that’s the end of it all. You’ve completed this blurb successfully and deserve a pat on the back. You get your blurb readers badge. Well done squirrels. 
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Dave Gorman

How do you become a Habbo Hotel Scammer? And why did Russell ask a bunch of young men which of them was going to pleasure him in the street? 

Podcast royalty and ex-Youtube magnate JacckMaate is in the studio, and it’s as fun, breezy and enjoyable as you would imagine from a man of his mastery of chat. Jack’s stories about his days as a Habbo gangster are sensational. 

JaackMaate’s Happy Hour is one of the biggest podcasts out there and it’s available exclusively through Spotify.
Go listen, then explore all the things that Jaack does. He’s great.

If you’d like to get the podcast without being interrupted by adverts, and get an extra show every week, AND get it all a day before everyone else, then you can! You can join our Patreon. It’s inexpensive and we would love to have you as part of the club.

Click this link to join or find out more:
patreon.com/RussellHoward 

And that’s all folks! Have a mad good week. Mad good I tell you. 

xxx
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JaackMaate

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