Bartrolomew McInncel

My cheapskate girlfriend got us a "discount" couple's massage and we had to go to this one man and woman's house who looked like the two bad guys from Home Alone.

The short little husband guy did my massage. He had like 58 times more oil than was necessary on his hands and they were all grotesquely soft. So, when he did your massage it just felt like someone was squishing a bunch of mashed potatoes all over you.

And then he kept cracking his knuckles the whole time... as if it was adding something sensual to the experience. But it just felt like a bunch of carrots breaking.

It was revolting.

But I didn't wanna disappoint my girlfriend. So, I just kept lying there, face down in that slop.

Oh, and of course they were playing some like, weird, silence of the lambs music.

So, I was just lying there listening to that... trying not to inhale their incense... which of course smelled like a bunch of amputated civil war feet. ... being incinerated.

Oh, and they made us sign a waiver too. ... that said we understood it wasn't a sexual experience. So, my girlfriend just drew a little frowny face next to that part.

:(

Awwwwww...

Shucks. We were hoping Harry and Marv would be down for some role play. I could play that one old guy who smashes'm in the face with a snow shovel. 

"Come 'ere, you naughty bandits..."

Oh, sht, I'm supposed to be telling you about this book. Uhhhh... okay. So. Once we understand where we originally came from, we can finally resolve the mysteries of our condition. We can become smarter, faster, stronger, healthier, more youthful, more vibrant, longer living, emotionally blissful, psychologically harmonized, romantically successful, and we can even become FOUR times wealthier. What?!?! Yep. But you'll never know the secrets unless you read about it. ... So, you better!

... or else.

 

Or else I'll tell Harry and Marv where to find you.

Bart McInncel

ManApePig: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Humanity

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