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#1 I had not had an uninterrupted night’s sleep for months because I was infatuated with Joanne. I was in Mr. Lewison’s 5M English class, and he was a boring teacher who never missed a chance to hit one of his students with a piece of chalk.
#2 I was infatuated with Joanne Lymnaeidae, a pond snail, at the age of 11. I would spend my allowance on buying pieces of glass and joining them together with silicone glue. I would attach Joanne or Maurice to the inside of the tank, and then mark the spot where they had moved to in the morning.
#3 I had a theory that each snail advanced with a fixed pattern of movement, and that each snail was wired to move in a certain way. I believed that every snail had a certain predefined style of motion. I hypothesized that Joanne would always move in swirls, whereas Maurice would always slime along in straight lines.
#4 I was interviewed to enter one of London’s most famous schools, St. Paul’s. I showed up with 217 three-foot pieces of parchment paper, each was the overnight pattern of movement from a single snail. The principal, Mr. Hyde, was interested in the education of his students, but he beat bad behavior out of them.
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