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#1 We all want to have friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often end up with hostility, bitterness, and distrust. The deficit theory states that we can't get along because we don't know how. The motivational theory states that we can't get along because we don't want to.

#2 The deficit theory states that we don’t know how to make love, and thus we don’t know how to have relationships, so we resort to war to get our needs met. The cognitive theory states that all of our feelings result from our thoughts and attitudes, and that we get angry and upset because of the way we think about events that aren’t actually upsetting.

#3 Cognitive therapy is based on the idea that when you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel and behave. It is not easy to change the thinking patterns that trigger anger and conflict, but it is possible.

#4 The idea that all of these interpersonal problems stem from childhood experiences is called the deficit theory. It states that if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may subconsciously re-create the same painful patterns as an adult. But most people who complain about their relationships with others don’t seem interested in changing their behavior whatsoever.

Summary of Dr. David D. Burns's Feeling Good Together

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